Change of Plans

 

Hey reader. Meeting again with Bastian today got cancelled. Mostly because my roommate got me sick 😭

Yeah I know, cry about it. No, I just told them it would be a good idea to skip today because my sickness is keeping me running to the bathroom. 

Got a message on reddit I wanted to share, even if I won't screenshot it. 

Basically told me I was a horrible person for holding whatever space I hold for exes. And when pressed for the reason, they told me I was a narcissist. Lol. My dude. You picked the wrong person to label narcissist. I was raised by one. And I was not the golden child. 

I was and always will be, the black sheep. The scape goat. The whipping boy (err girl but you get it)

I was the good kid. I graduated with honors and got accepted to my first choice of college. I couldn't go because I couldn't afford the bill for the dormitory. And while that sucks, it happens. 

Many things happened to me in my life, that only myself and my dead mother can talk about. 

I only hold myself up in regard to how well I make food and how well I write - when I'm able to. 

I hate myself for how I look, how I feel towards people who give 0 shits about me.  I hate myself for not seeing my own mental illness until much too late. Hate myself for how much I worried about people who would watch me dying and smoke a cigarette before they called 911. 

I've been near death enough to know the way it kisses. 

And I am ok with not doing that again. 

I have been diagnosed with a variety of things but I will make this clear- my mental shit is mine and mine alone. Yep, I got the shitty end of the deal with enough relationships I can write a book about it. Hell I AM writing a book about it. But those relationships didn't mold my brain. They just didn't help worth a fuck. 

I told him once, this isn't your battle. And I meant it. The battle was always mine. To be there through my exes mental fuckery and help them. The way they should have done the same. 

You won't understand. It's ok, I don't require anyone to understand me. Or my pain. Or my history. 

I expect people to just go the way of dinosaurs or cavemen better yet. Eat, procreate, and die with your loved ones. 

I have trust issues lol. 

Anyway. To the redditor who was dead wrong and will never see this, go fuck yourself with a shovel. 

I hope that helps. 🫰

S