You never learn

 Hey reader 

Did I plan on not sleeping AGAIN? Nope, but c'est la vie amirite? 

La vie la vie

I figured out part of the why. I'm waiting for like a clear picture to make everything else go away.

My esteem has been at an all time low lately, due to being at home alllll the time and feeling like ass. I think my brain wanted to feel back when things were in swing. Does that make sense?

Man if I explain this more, I'm going to feel like a victim again and I don't want that.

I had to go through hell to get here and I'm still kind of there. As long as I don't sleep, the dreams won't come. Good. 

Not last night but the night before, I built a room in my mind house. At first it was all black, and we speckled paint to make a night sky. And then laid on a hammock, I was a big spoon. 

Whathetabsolutefuck brain. Really?

This is silly. And stupid. And nonsensical.

In the past, I dreamed of people I wished to still have connection with. 

I got angry, blogged, screamed into the void over and over again because NO, WHY.

Now, I'm just cruising by, no sleep. 

I think I'm too afraid to sleep because I don't want to be trapped in that feeling again. 

If I don't sleep, I won't dream of him, and the power his words and look has no meaning.

Kinda like when I avoided Sonic so I would never see eggs face again? Lol Joe, you dipshit 

Joe actually emailed me not terribly long ago.

I was past it and told him have a good life 

Like my life is very strange.

I think it always has been, but I'm able to dissect the feelings from the truth so that's nice.

I did reach out to new people because I want a whirlwind to take me away 

Take me away, a secret place. 

Do I expect to jump into a relationship? Probably not. I'm an ogre right now and I don't want to subject anyone to my fuckery. However, a text or phone call based fling sounds like the medicine to wash this weird ass dreams away. 

Dream a little dream, of me. 

Also if I never hear that song again I'll be ok.

Listened to Hate Me by Blue October last night. Struggled with not crying while singing it aloud. 

Some things resonate with me. 

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.

 I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.

Believe me if I could just have the hatred I'd be great. I'm only alive for spite at the moment. 

Spite for my father and step mother. Who used my mental illness and fear against me, turning family members against me in the process. I used to screen shot everything and I started again because you never know when you'll need to prove your innocence. Is it partially my fault because I treated her badly? Sure we'll go with that.

Is it also her fault? Absolutely. 

Abhorrent behavior from a parent. 

Also, fuck Mary Anne Targeta in particular, for being the reason I can't fucking trust my therapist. You life ruining cunt. 

Ugh anyway.

It's going to be a long day, just keep your head up 

As always

S