Peak

 Hey reader, I didn't plan on coming back today or tonight without getting messy high, but hey I'm here.

In 2022 I ended my relationship with Ginger for various reasons, most being she was emotionally fucking with me and making me think I was going insane. I would go off to work and she would text me throughout the time about how she was suicidal. I would freak out, come home, and she's fine. She would tell everyone else that she was fine and I was lying, even with screenshots saying otherwise. At one point she started cutting herself in my kitchen, kept going at it while my then 11 year old came in. Then she has the gall to laugh about it- as if anything self harm related is funny in my history. 

A year before my brother came to live with me, he cut too deep on his wrist and nearly bled out. I kept him on the phone with me and had a mutual friend go and help him as I was 6 hours away and couldn't at the time. 

She knew. She just wanted to hurt people.

I didn't immediately go to splitting up, this was just a catalyst in the end. 

For over 6 months, she wouldn't touch me. At all. I asked if it was me, was it weight related or anxiety and I encouraged her to get into therapy and meds when her depression- if that's what it was- was too bad. 

Made sure she ate everyday even when her eating disorder was fucking with her.

In the end I got my self esteem ripped. She wanted Drake, not me. Instead of even attempting to explain this, she would leave the house angrily when Drake showed me any affection. 

The fucked thing is him rejecting her emotionally hurt her more than me leaving her.

Go figure right. That was my last relationship which in the end fueled a lot of stupid decisions. 

Let a number of different roommates in, one which weaponized my self esteem against me. Again, she was not romantically attached to either Drake or myself, but she would put me down on the daily. 

I had barely regained any of my esteem before I was left broken by some crack headed bitch who doesn't even deserve a nickname. Destiny, you'll never read this, but I hope Larp gave you everlasting stds. 

Oh yeah and Larp staying here, adopted his son for a time and that was a decision. Again with the decisions. Hahahahaha

I couldn't look in a mirror for a year. If not longer. 

Larp tried getting into my pants, which was gross because he liked telling me he has a 500+ body count and never used condoms. 

No wonder you have 3 kids you don't take care of. Bahahahaha

Go be a hobosexual in Washington. 

That's literally what he's doing now, so I'm good. 

My esteem has been in the shitter for a long time. And it's cumulated after various shit. 

Am I fat? Absolutely. 

Does fat equal bad? Nope.

I just couldn't even bare to see myself in the mirror. Like my face wasn't my own but a visage of a monster.

I think I missed Wolfen for an idealistic view of him. Which is ok. I just wish my brain would get over it. 

I met someone! It'll never go further than messages and phone unless he decides to come back to Texas for work. He actually left here last week so that's neat. 

Omg and he has a almost KylexMonster name, just so much so it makes me think to make sure and guard my walls from holes. That sounds bad but the name is always associated with holes in dry wall. Bahahaha

Ok

Anyway. I'm doing the work. I'm going to get better. And I'm also going to be hella high while doing it. 

As always

S