Oops, all spiders!

 

I wrote an enormous text to wolfen and I'm proud to say it stayed in drafts!

My dumb ass can't tell ass from end sometimes and I'd rather not have egg on my face tbh.

"hoping you blocked my number and this will never reach you. 

It caught me off guard because beforehand I hadn't really thought too much about things. And nothing can excuse my actions but I can at least explain my headspace. 

I was a victim from 13 to 19 by the same guy. I was already hyper sexual from abuse at a very young age so I didn't realize any of this until much much later in PTSD and CBT therapies. I knew there were a lot of things wrong with me but I didn't think that any of it was affecting my life or people around me. It's storming here.

I can't sleep and I doubt I'll send this message.

I was constantly making myself available to older men as I grew up and I didn't realize why really. Later on the feeling of soap scum when it dawned on me. Emotionally incested by dad, molested by mother and stepdad. No one in my life cared, truly. 

I used my victim hood as a cloak and app fucked you up in the process of everything.

I never once thought, wow I'm grooming him. Because it'd happened to me so much it was like stepping into a shoe you forgot was like butter. 

I loved you at the time and never stopped caring, I just suck ass at having long term friendships or relationships. Unless I'm basically a captive audience, because then I don't shut up. Not that I'm a uhh 

What's the word

Stockholm syndrome. Oh I'm not captive her.e I am just here. 

I didn't think a long distance thing would work. And! You told me you got laid and I was so happy for you. I removed your contact and tried to push anything I felt down.

I live with a lot of guilt. Not just for that but regardless.

I don't know how to end this if I want to press send. 

You said we're nothing and I have tried expressedly to keep you away from my mind 

I changed music's. I cut off all my hair. Shit. I tried blogging and I can't push myself to do it.

What I'm saying is. 

It's not a cry for XYZ. Ghost in the shell. Like a whimper from my innate self to say I'm fucking proud of you and keep it up. 

Shadow work hurts but it heals what you let it "

Y'all I'm clapping for myself with being able to spell while out of it.

Yeah yeah I know the edible is just another crutch. Give me this, I'm off of all meds and I'm in a lot of pain right now. So the edible is keeping me from ganking everyone who irritates me. 

Yeah. Totes. 

Anyway. If I accomplished anything, it's being able to let go. 

The heart remembers. 

As always,

It means a really long time,

S