Hey reader. It's been a minute ain't it? I'm alive, rumors of my passing are only slightly exaggerated. Going through a shit ton of shadow work and self inflection and hating myself and forgiving myself. You're not supposed to forgive others though right? Yeah well my brain is a bitch.
Why can't you disappear for me like I disappeared for you.
Haunting me in my dreams, some of them just strange and mysterious. Like I was in a house in the mountains and robbing the place, it was your house. With a wife and in laws. Then the neighbors started attacking and I hid in a closet and watched. Then I helped bandage up the neighbor and tore into you for being violent to a 12 year old.
Woke up startled, took a nap and the dream kept going.
I don't want to see your face. In so much as right now my body and brain thinks it does. My heart can't take that right now. I'm sneezing for fucks sakes.
Why does my flesh crave you. Someone who doesn't crave me. Ahahahahahaha
Oh god the edible was a choice tonight.
That's the only way I'm able to get through the day and night. By drugging myself up and forcing myself to keep going. 2 weeks and counting off all my psych meds. Go me. Yeah, it's a choice too. One I will have to defend against the other doctor next week.
Do I care about any of it?
No. I wish I'd just fall over dead most days. But I keep going.
Somewhat out of spite. And somewhat because it's what expected of me.
Fuck.
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