Hey, don't write yourself off yet

 

Hey reader, even if you're just browsing. 

I decided to blog while NOT high, because I'm sitting in this physical pain and realizing a lot. I went over a lot of my previous blog posts and I'm ok with who I have been. 

Doesn't mean I think I walk on water or anything, but I understand me.  I give myself grace to get through another day I feel I don't deserve. 

I wanted to touch on things and 

I'm writing my story. Ahh technically under the guise of writing letters to a family member, but still. 

It's probably that that makes Wolfen prevalent in my dreams and thoughts. I hadn't got there yet in the book, only 35 pages but. I wanted to let everything go.

Not ... That I want to destroy what my family has built, but to let the guilt of carrying it go.

I was raised by a savage, and then had my adolescence marred with uncouth people. I was raised by narcissists and thieves. Thieves who would steal the innocence from you anyway.

I'm better now. I'm able to push it all down as long as I can keep going. 

I thought about how easy it would be to just leave. I feel unwanted and unnecessary. And how people die every day. Is it my brain being good ol lizard brain to me? Godzilla crashing through the peaceful metropolis that is my thoughts? Probably.

I keep alive on spite and spite alone sometimes. 

But I'm hurting, reader. While pain is temporary, this keeps giving. Fuck giving tree that only gives you suicidal ideation lmao.

Hey, I'm here.

I'm showing up for myself and letting myself be present in this pain, for now. Let me have my crutch for a while longer.

For a week I'd been dreaming of Wolfen. It's not his fault, nor do I suspect anything amiss. We're no longer in contact for my own actions and I accept this.

I think I need to find a new muse. Someone who brings me to life and that I can lean into. I...

I'm afraid though.

And fuck alllllll the damn tarot readers for telling me that my ex is coming back. Fuckkkkkkkkkkk you. I didn't seek them out either, it's like running into a desk that never was there before. So many tarot card readers and umm clairvoyants, knew I'd remember the name, are telling me the same thing. I want it to stop. He's not coming back and even if he did I don't know how it would work. Back when I was trying to  I don't know- put my life into small boxes that made sense? I figured out I could carve a him sized hole in my life if he'd have me. But things change, and I am not going to sit on my hands and wait.

Bah 

I'm sober, I promise. I even got sleep last night.

Mm

Anyway

I'm about to take another edible and go on a trip to make dinner. Wish me luck. I wish he'd contact me. Fuck I'm hard up for this shit. Ugh 

Oh and I made a friend, who oddly enough is exactly 9 years and 2 months younger than me. It's weird but he's nice enough. We connected on my love for William Dafoes monster wang. Lol

Yeah, but it's cool. 

Anyhoo I'm off

As always

S