Sty wants me to be hospitalized, Bastian doesn't care, and Rex, well.. I haven't spoke to him much at all. I think part of me just wanted to keep away so I could focus on other.
Things were good, for a few days. Then the day before a choice would be made came and all shit went sideways. To be fair, I went into self destruct mode. Did I threaten killing myself? No, I walked 4 miles.
Yeah, I would have if I stayed home. Because I thought I wasn't important to the one person I wanted to be important to. It doesn't matter anymore. I've found a way I can do what I need to without guilt.
Ask for my medication back. Keep taking it til they make me die. Til I run into traffic or anything else, just fuck.
I'm sobbing again and I hate this. I hate being like this. I just want the pain to stop.
Get the pills back, take the pills, make it stop.
Make it stop.
We were compatible until I opened my mouth, or until I said I wanted to be exclusive. Because it is true. Fuck
Why do I want to kill myself so badly? I like myself sometimes. But being without her is killing me.
And she said the friend bit again, and all I can think of is I am not enough. Again. The same conversation I had with Bastian and I tried to explain and it wouldn't work either. She fell out of love with me and I accept that. I understand I am at fault.
Smoke until it's sunday again.
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