A friend from 7 years ago came back into my life today and I realized that everything that had been me changed. Some for the good: realizing when I needed help and going for it, and some bad. Today, this week, is bad.
In a word, history. Bastians new master said no contact for 30 days, or so the message on my phone tells me. Didn't find that out til tonight but it was disguised as "I'll make my decision in 30 days"And my response was "I'll tell you what the answer is in 30 days"
That went over well as expected. I called him, wanted to know why he acts like a faucet hot and cold, and
I gave up. I wished him well, wished his "master" well, and I hung up, blocking him.
Then I went through and deleted all of his friends and alias from my page, save for his wife- and his mother.
Tomorrow, we will see. Don't know if I will be alive tomorrow for that to even happen or maybe if I am lucky I'll get locked up and won't have to see anyone for a while.
Carve your name into my arm, instead of stressed I lie here charmed.
I told him a long time ago this was it. I don't want to find another lover. I don't want to go through the fear of rejection again. You can see how well it went tonight.
Chose a person he knows for 2 days in reality. Because that's what he wants, he wants someone to be all his. Not having a family, not with responsibilities.
And that is ok. He is able to make this choice. As I am able to make mine.
I wanted to fuck tonight, get him out of my system with the almost rape that would come. You're shaking your head like... how is it rape when you want to fuck?
While my body is ready to get hurt, lose all the pain inside and replace it with something else. my heart isn't going to be ok with it.
Rape my heart daddy.
It would seal me, it would break me better so I maybe could be casual and not care about it.
Just sex, right? No, Suzie you don't need to do that
You feel bad because...
I won't get into that.
\
I don't need to because come this time tomorrow it won't matter.
Told Camilla I want to disappear. She said she and Gold don't want me to.
He's not said a word about it. He probably doesn't care either man. It's ok, I don't fucking blame you.
Rex, yeah.
I gave up trying when I thought I was in love again.
Blame me shame me break me open.
Miranda said that it won't help completely but I am going to try anyway.
Anyway, to close a second blog and multiple years, I want to say
Ares came back, I met Griffin, and Bastian showed me that Capricorns can be just as callous as the rest.
Thank you for reading,
As Always
And Never
SD
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