Love Lies and Netflix

Hey reader so as I said yesterday, I would update more.

I am a tempestuous mess of emotions. Mostly bad ones.

Hold on, had to change music I was listening to because I started tearing up and I can't have that shit before work. Too many times I have broke down at work and I am getting this feeling they could use it against me.

It is funny in a not funny way, the way things go.

a little over 2 weeks ago someone told me I was their heart. Something that had been said so many times I was .. well I was used to it. I didn't believe it because to me, I am nothing. I'm Suzie, and while Suzie can have moments of good, she's not much.

Today, yeah, you showed me I was right. Thank you. I'm not even... I'm sad? I'm hurt a lot inside? But I don't even blame you. I can't. Man, I break your heart and you break mine right back. WOO! Talk about good times my friend.

Griffin will be a little under 2 hours from me and I am debating taking him up on going to see him. Universe has told me time and time again we're two people who should never meet, but man, I need a smile or something.

Rex is ignoring me thus far, so I am guessing that's how the cookie crumbles. Right? It's ok reader I am just hurting and wanting to find one spot of soothe anywhere. Anywhere.

Not today. Yesterday I needed release and got it, cannot expect today will be the same. Just like a few years back, remember? When one week everyone wanted me and I didn't want everyone? Then I wanted one minutia of solace and no one would speak to me.

Full turnabout and history repeats itself.

It's ok reader. I deserve it.

I'm going to take my medicine and hopefully get through today. The medicine isn't working. Going to ask the doctor to add another medicine or anything to make me stop wanting to hurt myself. The sad thing is I don't want to. Maybe I deserve whatever I do to myself. Maybe I don't need to be around to hurt anyone anymore. Don't worry reader. It's only me. I go through periods of intense self hatred and reminiscing and 

Maybe I'm just like my mother. Doomed to fuck up my kids in ways unimaginable until they're in their 30s and want to kill themselves too. Fuck I hope not.

Reader I will be back tomorrow. Because I have to get ready for work.

As always and never
S