It’s been a long night and I can only say that while I have a failsafe, I’d much rather live.
Reached out to a professor that’s attempted suicide 8 times since 2008. He said we’re alike in the fact when something breaks us we’d rather die than face it.
His dad killed himself when he was young as well, only in an actual mental ward.
My mom just chose to break me a little more by doing it in front of me.
The prof said to not give in. That while I might die it would just create a new round for my kids. Like repeating history and hoping it would change.
So for this moment, I’m living for history.
Everyone says choose a person choose a pet choose family. But people can hurt you. Pets can die. Family can make you feel alienated.
I choose history because it hasn’t happened yet. My history is set but the rest of it is up in the air.
And while I could be one of the greats if I just stick my head in the oven, I’m not feeling it right now.
I debated living for shows but I’m not going to be watching HM very at all. Trying to remove everything from life means that’s another part I have to get rid of. Drakes phone works again knock on wood so he can text them and tell them it is no longer necessary. Watching any of the shows I did in the before will effect as well so I’m stuck with Boys. It’s qorking for the moment.
Learning to live again one tiny step at a time. There’s an entire vocabulary I can’t use now. And a set of ponies I have to figure out what to do with.
It’ll work out reader, I’ve made it work before. Just have to learn to be me but a different me.
Learn to be complete honesty. Even when I know the results are going to be bad.
Had to tell Patrick my entire plan so he would watch me, cause the pain was enough to break me nonstop. Hands now shake whenever I touch pill bottles. The easiest thing would be to not take pills but then I’d be too far gone.
My aunt said fuck them. My dad said horsewhip. I said No, it’s me.
As long as I can internalize this I’ll be good.
Until then
S
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