Orange

Dear reader, how the fuck are ya?I'm well... I'm fucking super pissed! It feels amazing to want to kick shit and not kill myself. You don't even know! I might go play minecraft before work so I can get some of this rage out of me. Doc upped my meds as much as she could and put me on anti-psychotics! Woo talk about being deflated and shit.

I'm strong and I am angry. I am full of rage and I need an outlet. I thought about buying a chicken and stabbing it to ribbons but that will only make it weird to explain and cook. Who the fuck cares amirite?

Working on my resume as well. Talked to an owner and they want me there. I want more money and less chance of ever seeing B or K again. They don't even get names now.

I make up fun Harry Potter themed nicks when speaking to family now.

"She who must not be named" Oh you mean XYZ? Nope, I mean what I said.

Took the rest of the stuff  out of house. Minus Harley because I am torn about it. B doesn't need her, and probably will trash her if I give it to her so I might just hide her until I can see Harley and not have any pangs.

Drake got the cool paperclips, I told him just to make sure I never see them again. I don't care what he does with them as long as they're not in my pill box.

And when people ask about them or her I can say with absolute certainty : I don't fuckin' know.

Ask them yourself you fucking raisin.

Old coworker knows kind of, he sits and listens to me talking.

I'm writing to get the rage out, because I don't want to be vulnerable.

Sty said "You're making it so the rest of the world can't get in either"

Well, to explain

She was my second longest relationship. Drake is first, Sty is third. My FIRST lesbian relationship long term.

I am 35 years old and I don't have enough heart to keep getting hurt. So fuck the world, they can find their happily ever after far far away from me.

I didn't even finish the rest of Handmaids, but I won't be watching it either. For the time being, all things related to her are out. Which is why I am looking into another job. Away from her and no chance she will ever come by accidentally.


Don't know why I am worried about that though. She can't stand to see my face so why would she come and talk? ffs I am an idiot.

Still, going to find another job and hopefully a career.

I have long term plans bitch, which includes:

Putting my anger to use and finding a gym that does kick boxing.
Making it to 36 with no help but my family
Changing my body and my mouth within the next year.


I am going to change. Because that old loving me? She's dead. She died a while back and I rose from her ashes. 26 pills and a half bottle of liquor and guess what bitch? I lived. Fuck you.

As Always and NEVER

S