In a little under two weeks I will see Camilla and Gold again, which is awesome. I'm looking forward to it with most of the fibers in my being. Some of the fibers are certain they will somehow hate me and I will be sad. Yes, I know I am paranoid! Thanks for noticing!
The thing that isn't a thing but has the potential to be a thing may just be a fluke.
I know, I jump to conclusions more than a widower who does nothing but watch the windows for intruders. The thing is, ...
Time is a factor. I'm somehow needier and clingier and more worrisome than ever. I don't know why either. I talked through it with myself for a while but I came up with no good answers.
Rex is an enigma right now. Goes from being open for a moment to being more locked off than a clam in Gordon Ramsey's kitchen. Yeah. Humor is also his defense mechanism and I don't want to set off all the alarms. Sometimes...
I'm a bad influence.
Bastian is trying to be a better companion/friend/whatever it is we are doing this moment. The situation I am in right now prohibits most things. Soooo
Dreams have been a mixture of cruel and unusual.
Back there, in the area with the benches, dorms on three sides. The hair drew you in didn't it? Then affixed to the eyes, deep and encompassing. Watching his lips move and yet still holding Zachary's hand. Petting down his jealousy.
"No, he's really just a friend I don't see him that way."
How is it everyone else could see what you didn't? Go on, you have control. And the hair slipping through your fingers, bringing the face close. Tobacco, mint and something else. Something earthy that you can't decide if it smells good or not. A mixture intoxicating you, drowning you in the kiss.
WAKE UP
I woke up and was scared, scared that I had somehow time traveled and probably fucked everything up. I rolled over in bed, shaking a little. I clutched Drake's pillow to my chest and inhaled, falling back asleep.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
He's singing to me, serenading from a dais away from me, his voice cracking and unsure. And I look, there's so many people popping in, coming from nothing and crowding between us. And I start to wave, because I am scared. So many people and they're all calling his name but it's not his name.
"WHO ARE YOU?" I scream out, my throat raw and burning, and his slow wink makes me crumple. Maybe I don't know him, but I can't find my way out of here. The crowd is swaying to his voice. And they start to part to either side, letting him step down. Walk to me, and drop the microphone, the spotlight catching his eyes and his hair and twinkling everywhere. Shit where'd the glitter come from?
He says something but the crowd's taken his voice to a whisper, he leans in because I am deaf, "All you need but ask" He steps away and kisses me, running back to the dais, crooning now to the followers, his eyes losing their twinkle already. I don't know how to ask.
I don't know what to do but fall to my knees and cry silently, watching him. He's singing about hurting and being lost and they just love it. They don't love him just his image?
I woke up again, this time at 430, wondering why I couldn't just sleep. I wanted to sleep. I fell back asleep after getting up and pacing for a while.
Back in the dungeon.
Wolfen and Lupita sharpening their claws on whetstone, watching me enter.
"You have to choose" Drake says and opens the cell door with a flourish of his hand.
Rex, in chains, blood and dirt along his face and body but not the marks of my people.
Jesus, sitting on a stool, grinning and twirling his beard in one hand.
"Why?"
I wanted to know what would happen to the one I chose. I don't want to hurt anyone and the smile in Jesus's face made me think he would hurt me before I could hurt him. Rex was defeated. I wouldn't want to kill prey that wouldn't fight back.
Drake closes the cell door back and points to Lupita and Wolfen, ready for the fight, ready for blood.
No no no no no you ccan't ask me to do this. I'm chanting in my head, I can't say this out loud.
"No one needs to be fodder. Please. Send Jesus away and let me tend to Rex's wounds."
Drake seems to think about this for a moment and nods, signalling to Wolfen and Lupita to obey me. They drag Jesus out roughly but not harming him. He grins all the way out the hallway. I glance to Rex on the wall, grimacing at what I needed to do.
Thankfully woke up before anything horrifying happened. Just Rex dick and wet washcloths.
Reader I seriously just want my brain to be normal for once. Just once. probably screwed or will screw my friendship with Rex and I don't want that to happen.
Fml why can't I just be like blonde and stupid? Be moral-less and malignant to everyone so I care not?
Fuckit.
As Always but never,
S
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