I'm 35 and have severe anxiety. Throw in depression, caustic family, and you have just the tip of the iceberg that is Suze.
Up until this year, I had been going on without medication, now I am slightly more functioning and slightly less as well. My libido increased tri-fold, my depression only comes blaring out with provocation, andddddd
I'm still where I am. Where the nonsense happens. Where the roads are dark and full of methhead terrors.
SAIL!
In news...
Bastian is getting on the same meds as me. We're... well. There are small eyes so I will just say we're in a weird sitch.
Back in 2015 I wrote about dreams about someone. This year I decided to actually just tell him. This feels like a Griffin moment but so far there's no toxicity other than my own.
I talk regularly to Griffin and Wolfen now. It's good to have conversations where I just spout all the things in my head and no one calls me on it for being rambly and dumb. Also because Nicki Minajs ass mmm
I got to see some people recently, that was actually really good. Good for me mentally and partially physically. Ok so taking meds and drinking wasn't the "BEST" idea I have had in a while but I stayed mostly clothed and I didn't make a terrible ass out of myself. I didn't realize I missed being social with more than Kesari and Bastian so much. There's nothing wrong with them, I just feel like they're family when they come around.
Speaking of
My brother left ... ehh let's start from the beginning shall we?
My brother's gf left him. Kicked him out, she was cheating. He moved in with our dad. Dad's... well he's still dad. Probably still disappointed in me and my job and my lifestyle. Oh well. It happens don't it?
I'm me, I am not going to up and change how I am fundamentally.
I read too much, I research nearly everything to find out if it's true... and
Well, you've read my blog haven't you? You know the rest. I make up words when I need it. I obsess over the dumbest things and I have skin like onion paper.
Someone was talking to me today about an if. If X happens, then we (they, whatever) would be deep in shit creek.
Also told me about butthurt people who didn't like No.
They wouldn't answer why they wouldn't tell me no.
Hurt me irreparably and you won't have to tell me no. You can break me just as easily if not easier than SWSNBN (think about it)
I don't want you to. I'd rather stay in this nice little box. A box thin, made of paper, could come down at any time.
I'm in limbo in here, and it's ok. Just don't want to outlive it, have to pay rent and all that.
Things are... how they are.
ONTO OTHER THINGS!
Been working on new playlists for when I need music to survive, which is often. Have jury duty Wednesday morning, hoping I won't get picked but you know how that works. Hope in one hand... yeah...
Dreams have been your run of the mill Suze type dreams. You know the kind? How a situation could have gone differently.
She looks at him as he passes her in the small room, his lips curled up into a smirk.
"Hey"
A word escapes her lips before he checks the doorway, pulling her into another small room.
"You need to stop," he whispers in her ear, the door clasping shut behind him. Lifting her hands, she felt along his arms and shuddered involuntarily.
"I can't quit this."
No need to go further because you know how almost all of my dreams end. Me, waking up, thinking WTF BRAIN?
Oh wait, no, because... I would totally have done that. And he probably reciprocate.
Fuckkkkkkk reader. I am deep down a rabbit nest and I don't know how to get out without purposefully getting hurt and I don't WANT to be hurt right now. Dear giblets I don't want to hurt anymore.
Reader this isn't a thing. This isn't a thing. This... this has the potential to be a thing. It's not... but it could be.
Time for music and laying down. Maybe some cold water.
La vie, La vie
S
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