I broke up with Bastian last night, and before you hate on me or before you congratulate me, just keep in mind who you are speaking to. Already wrecked with guilt and feeling bad. I probably don't need either right now. Anyway. I did that. There were factors in why I had to, but none of these really need to be discussed right now. All you, the reader, needs to know is it happened. Bastian's still going to be in my life as a friend and right now I think maybe that's good. I need friends.
Sick to my stomach now and trying to feel better. Ah to have the emotional response of a potato, that would be nice. Instead I have nightmares and stomach issues. Ffs
I took an over dose of my meds to sleep, just to sleep. I reasoned with myself I would just sleep and wake up and everything would be ok. In reality I over dosed and went into a coma. John Lennon was there, showing me around, letting me see beautiful and magnificent things.
He wouldn't allow me to talk about my family or friends. I couldn't see any of them. My mother was there, with a tiny raven haired girl-my sister Adelaide. She didn't want to stay and chat with me, it was too soon and it hurt her too much to speak. It was beautiful but I didn't want to be there. I would run and run and run and never find an end to the land. There was no escape.
I finally hit my limit and screamed at Lennon "Fuck you, fuck you and your mind games and this place. FUCK YOU JOHN LENNON!"
And that fucking limey bastard winked at me. Winked and started humming the tune of Mind Games. I woke up in the dream to a hospital bed, the cold plastic tube going down my throat. Drake's sleeping form on a chair beside me. And I couldn't scream. I couldn't get away from the tubes, there were so many. I heard this frantic tone and realized it was me, I was scared and my heart was racing. The nurses finally came in, shot me up and I went black again.
Camilla and Gold came, Camilla slapped me across the face before hugging me, squeezing too tight. Gold gave me this look. This odd look like "But why?" but no one would believe me I just wanted to sleep.
The dream fades to black and
Rex is putting a tape in a VCR. Yep, I am that old. We're watching a movie, like Ohhh what's it called? Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Where Richard Dreyfus makes a mountain out of mashed potatoes? Yeah that movie, we're watching that and Rex is making popcorn and then the movie kind of ss--crrots- changing to an aerial view of the past. Watching me watching him.
FUCK
I try and change the tape, stop it, make it go away and Rex comes in, watching me watch myself watching him. Yeah that sentence is fucking me up lol
"Why?" he says and sets the bag down on the couch's arm, kneeling down to where I was trying to save myself from seeing it again.
"Because I don't want to go through this again." I say and swipe away the wetness leaking from my eyes. "I don't want to relive this. Can't we watch something else?"
He kisses my cheek, grabbing my arm to pull me away from the VCR. His arms wrap around me from behind and we stare at the screen, watching as I kill myself little by little. Watching as I go on. Watching as I forget and shove things down, far down. I release. I cry and scream and want to throw things at the screen. He holds me there and forces me to watch, turning my head back to see.
"We cannot change or avoid our past. We can only look toward the future and hope our soon-to-be selves will make better decisions." I wipe my eyes on his arm and he pushes me off a bit, laughing.
I watch as I find him again, entranced and hating myself. Not again. No. Instead of looking at the screen and wanting to stop her, I let it run. Watch it til the tape stops and starts rewinding in the small black box.
"Now can we watch some fiction?" he asks and grabs Godzilla King of Monsters from the shelf. Only it's also a video tape. Wtf.
Fade to black and
Bastian-Lupita stands before me on the ... oh god.
The thunder place in FFX?
Is that it? I think That's it. Where the thunder is always coming down and there are these tall pillary-stones and it's loud and scary and somehow I think they have a concert there and there's sunshine? Yeah, there.
Fucking hell
Anyway, Bastian is standing there, crying and turning red. I mean RED. There's a crackling in the air like electricity and Bastian stares at me. There's rain and it's dripping into my eyes, across my face. I have to angle my head down so I don't inhale it.
"You had a choice." Bastian says and clenches fists harder.
I shake my head, drops scattering. "No."
"You did and YOU. DON'T. CARE!" Toward the end, each of his syllables are accentuated with a thundercrack. Shit.
I am trembling with cold but also fear, this shouldn't be happening. Rikku, of all fucking characters pops in behind me and is
"Like you guys, we need to go! The air ship is heading to the next Aion!" And both Bastian and I turn to look at her like
What the literal fuck?
She's hopping from foot to foot and excited and we're standing in the rain like some fat idiots.
Yuna comes next, poofing in beside Rikku, in her full formal summoning gear.
"We need to go, for the cut scene!" she says and I look at Bastian like Whaaaaa
Yuna looks at me funny and waves her poof stick (yes dumbass I know it's a staff but she makes things poof with it) and the shimmery air fart looking thing comes out OF ME and goes back into Bastian. I am still standing there like Wtf mate but now Bastian is running with them toward the floating airship and I am still wet... still freaking confused.
Rex pops in where they had come before and winks.
"We've got another story to watch."
I woke up and feel ill again. Reader, what the literal fuck is wrong with my head?
I'm going to go hike up my skirt and ride around for a bit. I need some air.
As always and never,
S
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