Lost

 

Hey reader. My heart is heavy as fuck. I lost my husband, my rock of 21 years, yesterday. 

I have been on and off crying for the entire time. Trying to be strong sucks. I have to live for my kids. But fuckkkkkkkk

This hurts. I'm alone in a house of people and my heart is screaming. 

He had a massive seizure and then a heart attack or cardiac arrest, I'll know more when they release the death certificate I guess. I watched them for an hour, trying to revive him. 

He made it to the hospital, waited for the helicopter to land to take him to a bigger hospital, and then passed. No, really. 

So many people offering condolences and I want to scream. I did in fact scream. At my father and my step mother. At my brother. Oh hell. Dad offered help, his help was letting step mother tell me to haggle with the funeral director. No, really. 

Fuck them. Fuck her. Fuck everything. 

I haven't eaten since day before yesterday and I can't. Food makes me feel like vomiting. There's black eyed peas and stuff. I can't eat. 

Fuck everything. 

Considered the easy way out. I can't do that to my kids. 

Fuck. 

I'm at mother in laws house. She hasn't slept since yesterday. No one can, really. 

I worry for the mental health of my kids. Me, I'm just here. A lump. 

Fuck

S