Who I wanted to be

 

Hey reader. 

I'd wager that I am actually better off just keep on keeping on. Did that make sense? I'm sober I'm just having brain fog. 

Someone used a word I'd never heard before today and I got excited. Until I looked it up and frowned. It was a word that made sense except, I'm not trying to be anyone. Literally I'm just here. I don't necessarily want anyone to enter my life. Mainly because I have a lot on my plate as is. 

I have 3 children. One is of age so he can do as he pleases but the other two still depend on me to keep them going. Food, clothes, that sort. 

I'm healing from back surgery and it still hurts but I am able to get through. And the nights are quiet because I've slipped back into a time loop.

Like. 13 years ago Draken would not notice I was there. On his gaming chair. Nonstop. And so I uhh

I'm stuck in the time loop but I'm ok. I'm a good person where it counts to me I guess. Did I make several retarded mistakes? Yup. 

I absorb information and just use it as an excuse to stay away from people. 

Outside, people can hurt me. With words or weapons or whatever. 

Inside, this is normal. 

I kind of feel like I am struggling but thriving at the same time. Do I worry about money? Yup. Do I worry about aliens and government and everything under the sun? Absolutely. 

Do I let it get to me in any way? No. Because I've been down, so down the pill bottle rattled in my hand. I know how to step away. 

I'm rambling right now. It doesn't make sense. 

Why would I want to fight for someone who doesn't want me and my entire existence would give them triggers?

I don't even want to look for anyone. I think a lot of it stems from being lonely in a house full of people. 

Don't have sympathy for me. It won't work out. 

I've experienced some of the world's worst people. And I'm ok with being alone if I have to. Alone while attached. Fuck. 

Anyway. Tomorrow or today, I'm just going to roll with it. Or put someone in the freezer. Whichever comes first I suppose. 

S