Time really does repeat itself

 I'm going to try again with an ex. Not that one, no. The one who wasn't. Who said I was the piece that was missing in his pumpkin pie. Said a lot actually but it doesn't matter. He wants me to come out to his state and I just have to wait and figure out how to fly when I'm terrified. 

I'm terrified of planes, not him. All he'll do is break my heart, last time I was so bad I thought I was fully lesbian. Thank goodness I figured out what it was.

It wasn't being a lesbian. It was feeling intense fear of being hurt again like that. Maybe meeting up with him again is a no brainer- tiny voices can STFU.

We keep each other in check, making sure we're standing. Because I think the karma of what he did to me has already happened. Wait does that mean negative karma? Idk. 

I know 3 things -

How to make puttanesca

How to convey my feelings better

And 

That as much as I try to stop it, my heart knows no doors. 

I don't love him, I care about him. He's just kind of like rebound but not. 

Fuck I am repeating time again aren't I? Trying to unravel my own feelings and I can't get a straight answer from the one I actually want to talk to, heading for the guy he thinks I left him for. 

That's really, really dumb, or cosmically stupidly hilarious. 

The one who wants me to get on a plane to him, he's got a daughter, she's 8 maybe? Cute. I don't want to do this.

I don't want to hurt again in such a way I break again. Wait would I turn lesbian again? Fuck.

The thing I have right now, the same since God knows when, is not like...

I don't know how to describe it. 

This is not even my safe space anymore so I'm speaking in riddles and driving myself insane. 

I can't use nicknames for people because that just gives more ammo. 

It's ok. I have all the time I need, today is about getting ready for the ren faire tomorrow and trying to figure out what to wear. I don't know how hot it will be so I need to not wear 10 layers. 

I'm bouncing off of walls in my own head, splintering off into other walls, trying to seek whatever it is I need. 

I need peace. You can't offer that. Heh. 

If I could let go that would be great. I've been inside my head too long.