Sucker for pain

 

Hey reader, it's not been that long but I'm fighting within myself. 

I put in the work but there are still parts of me to get with the program. 

Like for instance, the toxicity of glee and unknown. To anyone else the toxicity of glee means nothing but to me, the glee I have with being able to communicate is toxic. 

Did I make a plan in the past for holes and shit? Yup. Will it ever work now unless I leave behind all the rest? Probably not unless I can change the two people who always back me. Actually my youngest would join me in a heartbeat but ruining my other midgies trust wouldn't be good.

I know everything is a game and I'm not playing anymore. 

Listen to TSwift Blank Space and I resonated with half of the lyrics. Boys don't only want love when it's torture, err rather men don't. Boys and girls are fickle. They like the chase and being chased. 

I'm just here. The three top relationships I count are ginger, Bastian, and Drake. Now. You may be wondering why I don't count someone else. Which is valid. I don't count him in relationship as far as timewise because it never  progressed. Is that wrong? Maybe. 

If I did he would be second to Drake. Bastian and I were together nearly 5 years. Wait... 6 years? I'd much preferably never count ginger. She's an awful messed up woman. 

I counted the ones in person rather than several states away. 

I brought this up on myself, and while I blame myself... I know I'm still healing. I chose to disengage rather than fight reindeer. Also lmao. 

Little girl I know how you got access to that information but I promise you. I PROMISE YOU. You don't have any information about after a certain time. You will never understand my motives and I will never understand why a bitch at Walmart decided to fuck with me.

Hoe bag. Lmao 

1 was an incel I was talking to because I wanted to understand them and ended up just fizzing out because I was bored with the hatred. 

2 was a boyfriend from when I was 16. He was 23. Ooh pattern recognizing. If you knew how Bastian and I laughed at the skirt and ass. We laughed at him because he told me I wasn't a real author because I self published. Fuck him. Not literally, I never did. 

I don't even remember who else I was talking to. 

Cause yanno, it was several years ago and I didn't actually fuck any of them.

Ohhhh asshole. Yeah no that's a guy who I was both attracted and repelled by. If you had bothered asking I would've told you. He sexually assaulted me the day of or before Christmas. Still didn't fuck him. I talked to Bastian about how I thought he was a rapist or serial killer. And I wanted to get his DNA so I could crack the case. Didn't work. I had no nails. Now I don't chew my nails so if he comes close enough I can get him. 

David? If it's the same I think, he kept sending me dick pics and I ended up blocking him or he blocked me because I didn't want to deal. Like I don't even know what he saw in me but he was younger and even further away. I had no interest but he was persistent. Meh. 

I don't have to and shouldn't defend any of my actions but hey, you sent those to my husband and it was easier to explain to him. 

You may judge me however you wish but I still wasn't on a cock carousel. Ever. 

Ugh. 

I talk to people and for a lot of them, it doesn't matter to me because I can walk away. Yes I have been toxic in the past with exes and I own up to that. I was trying to appease someone's ego and while it worked it was weird. 

Doesn't change my history. Did I say anything untrue? Not that comes to mind. 

Omg Edward/warden bahahaha. He tried to fuck me without my permission and then Bastian wanted to roleplay with him. Toxic. 

These days my nights are full of music and quiet. Both.

Do I secretly wish I could have been different? Absolutely but. I can't change what I did in the past, I can only look forward to the sane things I'll get into in the future. 

Ren faire and amtgard is what I do. When I'm able to walk that is. I walked today in the store and had to tap out before we were done because of the pain and anxiety. 

I have 6 herniated discs in my lower back and disc degen AND my spine is moving because I lean to the right. 

I was damaged goods when you met me, I only became more damaged. I don't want to chase. I don't want to be chased. I just want the peace of almost solitude.

Remember when I cried because someone would never notice me? Hah! It's history repeating itself again. However this time around I'm not crying. I'm a bit numb inside now. Thank God. 

I took an edible so I can stop the pain. Both physical and my own guilt. 

Judge me if you want to. Declare I'm the antichrist, see if I care. However you'll be standing on your soapbox surrounded by people who don't know. 

I was tempted to call and I just set my phone down and listened to more music. Oh

Ohhhh

I changed my playlist. Still him but I renamed it because it reminded me of a kitten I once had, she's now grown up but

Smol angwy. Cause words are tiny. Sure I would probably be terrified in person but lol. 

All of the songs have meaning. Sometimes the meaning is I'm upset and angry and I need to listen to music that reverberates in my head, sometimes it's from someone else's perspective. 

Love my Way is because I won't accept abuse and I used to. Old me would have leaned into the harassment and relished the feeling. Me now just thinks it's childish and kind dumb ngl.

Abcdefu is because it says

Fuck your mom and your sister and I thought that was hilarious considering 

Bitch is me. Because bitch please.

There's almost 100 songs on there dude do I really have to go on? This is old.

Go live your life and I will live mine. My love is old, using a crutch cause it's been broken for a long time. Find someone who makes you want to be a better man. Or don't, I don't even care atp.

My weekend is going to be full of music and fighting and food. I hope yours is quiet.

Truly,

S