Hey reader. I'm procrastinating because I don't have it in me to do what I need to. Go scrub in the shower and hibicleanse. Because if I don't, yay mrsa. Which my phone tried twice auto correcting to Mesa. Fu phone. No.
But I really don't want to. I know what's required of me but I would rather not.
Fuck. I need to.
If for nothing else, Griffin.
Because he'll still need me after. And maybe I can learn to love him. Give it an actual try. He's poly so I can maybe not have to dedicate all of my time to him.
Anyone just coming in, Griffin is a not-ex. We were never together, ever. He hurt me unimaginably and I haven't been able to be ok with dudes since then. When it happened, circa 2013 I believe, I tried killing myself.
In 2015 or 2016, I think the former, I met Bastian again. We'd lost touch.
2020 November we split for the final time. Because we weren't good with each other.
2021 June or July I met Ginger. She not in any order
1. Wouldn't touch me sexually at all for 6 months. Until I finally broke down.
2. Wanted my husband instead, threatened suicide if he wouldn't be with her.
3. Had me so fucking gaslighted I kept thinking I was going fucking insane.
Not sure the month I left in 2022. I know it was rough.
I developed a crush on a coworker. That was beyond stupid.
I had no feelings for anyone else since 2022.
I was thinking I would be asexual so no one could hurt me again. Funny me.
I finally started feeling and it was Wolfen, an ex.
I kept myself on drugs and numb for so long it didn't matter after a certain point.
Until I decided to go clean off of hard shit. And suddenly I feel again.
I don't want to feel when he made it obvious that there's no future there.
Fuck. I can either go back to drugs or just silence those pangs. With music and drowning myself in people. Which you know, reader, I hate.
Sok
S
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