Color Me Your Sky

 

Hey reader. I'm home, haven't showered yet. I need to cause tomorrow will come too soon but he'll I feel like sleeping. Decided on pizza tonight instead of burritos. Supposed to go to in laws tomorrow for dinner so that'll be ok. 

I'm honestly surprised we're here in our own house right now. Like something... I don't know how to put it. Just memories. 

Still numb, which is how I get through now. Therapist is worried about me but I am ok. Really. I'm not sad. I'm not anything. 

I think my brain shut shit down for me. Which is good. 

Also. 

French fry crust on pizza is fucking bomb. 

Even middle kidlet loves it. 

Eldest got his DL and now is wanting to drive everywhere all the time. He went to his best friend's house a bit ago, giving moral support. I can't say why but trust me they need it. 

I'm going to give myself til next month and then decide on what I want to do. Everything wise. 

If I accept moving down to the coast, I dunno. It may be good. Even if it seems it won't be. 

We moved 18 bags of soil to a lady's house because her husband has bone cancer and she has basically a super hernia. Some of her internal bits are now external bits. Dear Lord. Ouch. 

I have this odd feeling. That I need to say, it'll be ok. Not necessarily listen to your heart (lol that song is badass) but like, trust your intuition. Alright?

Alright. 

Always

S

Wankpuffin

 

Hey reader. Currently on break at Work and hurting already. Bleh. I still have a little over 3 hours and some change to go til end of shift. Not positive when my coworkers get off but I know it's before me. 

Trying to make as many people as possible smile today. Why? Because it's nice. And I like smiling people y'all. 

I've still got to take a shower tonight and make something for dinner. Not sure what yet but I'm leaning toward build your own burritos night. Basically refried beans, Spanish rice, corn, some type of protein, cheese and sour cream. Also huge tortillas we just got in yasss

Usually I'm so tired from working 11 hours I just want to sleep butttttttt I have to shower after work and making the stuff to go into burritos won't be that hard. Hardest part is washing the dishes afterwards. Which I totally can do tomorrow. Fuck dem dishes. 

Anyway. Another day, another reason to be silly. 

Always

S

Stubborn

 

Hey reader. Tomorrow starts the non-stop fun fest of working. I'm already stressed. It'll be ok though. 

Got told to not listen to my heart for the moment because my heart doesn't always know best. 

Also I forgot to get ice cream for the kids. Gahhh also my eldest got his driver's license huzzah. 

I'm excited. 

Shambala

 

Hey reader. Another day, another reason to love on my cats. Burrito Mix is curled around my ankles and purring. She was Drake's baby and now... She's loving on me but it feels weird. Like she just needs the attention. Maybe I'm humanifying my kitty. Possibly. 

I attribute human qualities to inanimate things as well. Stubborn chair. Annoying tape. Tell a bag to stay when I need it to. Do they listen? Absolutely not. 

It's an easy Wednesday morning and I'll be taking a good nap before work today as I need more sleep than 4 hours (grumbles in why can't sleep dammit.)  Last night was rough for sleep. Eldest and I stayed up til 12 on Twitter. I can't explain why without doxxing my dear boy so I'll just leave it as... Handsome Squidward God. I haven't laughed that hard in months. It felt good even if it was weird. He's talented as hell and I love that for him. 

Also learned if you have 2 wolves in you, maybe you need to rethink your protein. Eating that many wolves can't be good. Unless you use BBQ sauce ofc. 

Always

S

Message to the Ether

 

I had this strange ass thought pop into my head. And so I decided to come back (don't judge me).

Give me your worst. The dirty. The bad. The parts of yourself you shy away from. And I will face it and work through it with you. 

Your darkness. Your ugly. What's rotting you from the inside out. And I'll cast light there. And we will make it through. 

No idea who it's for. No idea why. But hey, it's neat. 

Always

S

Let the words flow

 

Hey reader.

Allergies kicking my butt. I got with a friend online and we threw around buzzwords. I was quick to say I wouldn't be with someone I'd already been with. It's just that I ...

A. I don't know. I guess depending on the situation. Case by case. 

B. I'm currently hurting inside and I don't know if I can trust someone or anyone really. 

C. I fuck shit up myself so there's that.

Uncanny valley guy has been a bit quiet today. I'd be worried except I don't ... I guess I am ok being quiet. I'm ok with the emptiness of silence right now. 

I used to crave attention in many forms and I just don't anymore. I think something broke. But it's ok! Why? Because I'm good with blending into the shadow. I'm ok with being on the sidelines. I'm in no hurry either way. 

I am dreading Thursday and Friday as I have 2 11 hour shifts back to back. Bleh. I'm going to be exhausted. 

Saturday I am off though! I'm pumped. I'll be going to the park with my eldest and youngest to go mow down midgets. It's going to be nice. I know that sounds worse than it really is. We larp, it's live action role playing and we use foam covered weapons. There are a shit ton of teenagers there. I like screaming random words as I run at them. 

I've tried

Allonsy!

Avante!

Bears!

Liberty!

Yeah. Also my eldest likes shouting Butt Scratcher! It's how we let everyone know we're ready to fight. 

Strange? Absolutely. But hey, it beats bed rotting. 

Always

S

Renewal, rebirth

 

Hey reader. Got into a discussion with a customer today. They told me that I need to realize what I'm willing to put up with and what I don't deserve. Uhh the way I phrased it may be wrong. Kind of like self love, having the esteem to know when you don't deserve to be treated badly. 

Seeking toxic relationships will only further any pain I hold onto so that's... That's what I'm releasing this new moon. It is a new moon right? 

Releasing people. Releasing putting up with XYZ. I'll do my work on this end. Perhaps not in a public place but I have to do the work regardless. 

I'm going to work on my little... Issues. Lol that sounds like a dick joke but I promise it's not. 

I have had low self esteem for years. I would go high and go low again. Also finding out your deceased spouse used to talk bad about you hurts on another level. 

However! I'm not relying on others for my esteem. I accept myself physically. Can't use my chunky ass against me. 

Also can't use my writing because I've never actually done AI with books. 

So there's that. 

I'm a good person on my worst days. Questionable sure but good nonetheless. 

I release any want for anyone I've ever had a relationship with. Because maybe there's a reason they weren't supposed to be in my life. Right? Right. 

Self supported all here. Wait. All self supported here. Even. Lol. I think and type backwards sometimes. I even talk backwards when I'm tired enough. 

I accept new energy into my life as long as it is safe energy. 

Mantra writing time?!

Always,

S