It figures

 

It figures on the night it's coldest, I cannot sleep. Whatsoever. 

I go thru these cycles sometimes. And yes before anyone thinks, I'm sober. Most I took yesterday was 2 Benadryl and a veritable shit ton of Tylenol. Pretty sure my blood type is autism at this point. 

That. That right there. 

I know I'm autistic. And I know I have other mental things, that I don't like discussing. I know I've made some of the dumbest decisions in my life, but you know what? I still stand by them. 

If I can't bury this feeling in my chest, I'll accept it into me. Whatever it is will be carried across my life. And I know I'll have more adventures. Good and bad. Because it's in my blood. 

Queen of bas decisions. Reporting for duty.

I don't even remember if I told the ass I was sorry tbh. I guess this works as well as any other medium,  I AM SORRY 

He won't read it, just as the countless dumb posts I wrote on Reddit LMAO. But- part of me softens and I let it go. 

I write because I don't have another outlet. 

And

If I'm being completely honest, it's been this way for a long time. When I am ok enough to get on my computer or Xbox, I'm better. When I can't, because of ADHD executive dysfunction, woo boy it's bad. 

When it hits I can't do anything. It's a struggle to get up and pee. It's a struggle to shower. It's a struggle to do anything but lie there and feel like I'm dying but the tears won't come and I just lie there. 

Bastian, Sty and a wizard are the only ones who helped enough in the last 2 months to have me finally just kind of half ass anything. 

I'd rather half ass it than not do it. 

I'm not... Yeah. I'm just treading water. 

I'm not drowning anymore. But I'm not level. 

And I may never be. Late blossoming mental illness is ✨fun✨

If I get too upset I hear voices. Three doctors told me it's just psychosis from depression. Pretty sure those doctors are on crack. 

I no longer have chinchillas. I think I mentioned, well the two in town- one had 2 babies! Holy cannoli

They're adorable. Kinda look like Splinter tbh but they're Chins not Rats

Anyway. I'm gonna go doomscroll the sad away

S