Today has been good. Great even. I'm still stressed because of pre-op tomorrow and surgery on Friday, but I'm also not. I know it'll make me feel physically better and I can throw myself back into whatever it was I was doing pre April.
And at the same time, my roommate is keeping me busy, making me laugh at the dumbest shit possible. He knows I'm still running towards a slide and won't let me be. Drake ... He's never been like this so I think he doesn't know why or what. Which is fair.
I don't like telling people that I want to not be anymore. I keep thinking , the less they know the less likely they will save me. Saving me means mental hospital. And we're not doing that.
But on a totally different front, I'm only half sliding and half furiously working on writing my intentions and what I want to leave in the past. It's hard yo.
I need to leave him in the past. He doesn't want anything to do with me, no matter what Izzard says. And I need to respect it.
I can't fill the hole in my life with someone else just yet either. Not while pining for someone who hates me. That's just silly.
What I can do is be open to people I meet and say hey, I'll be open to more once I let this part of me die.
I shoved it down so hard I felt it in my chest.
Not exactly. More like. Been having chills when I listen to music so I kept saying to myself 'what you feel doesn't matter, it's what they feel. Don't burn yourself to keep another warm'
Yeah. So. Tonight I'm California sober. Listening to Jelly Roll and gonna celebrate my surgery, my freedom, and yeah
Drake is telling the monarch that I nearly passed out Saturday. I can hear him saying I'm a dumbass but he loves me. Assssssss lol
Amtgard continues. Shit I hope I can at least watch Saturday. I have things to crochet and books to write.
As it always has been, and always will be
S
Ps: you know nothing.
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