Have no earthly clue why this song is so prevalent in my dreams, but here we are. Instead of hiding and trying to push it out I took another approach. I could move in my dream so I leaned into it. Bizarre but it works. Instead of waking up with longing I'm good. Like there's still part of my chest that is aching but I'm good.
I think I want to finish the series I had started working on. And perhaps write in a new one. I had held that book series to my heart for too long. I have enough to keep going plus all the uhh not spreadsheets but like flow charts for each character and idea that has to come through.
Oh and my kidlet gave me an outline for a completely new series to write. All their main characters and backstory.
I don't know if they even know how I write but it'll be ok.
In my life there are not villains and heroes. There's people and some of them suck. I just wanted to be able to sleep without dreams but I think I'm asking a little much.
I'm ok with my heart thinking I need or want this. I'm not going to fight against the bits of myself no one can pinpoint.
I can dissect all of my life and still come back with the same outlook. Only things that change are the ones we allow.
It's sad in a way, cutting the parts of me into little boxes. But it makes sense. And hell if I don't love shit that makes sense.
Much like free samples, it made sense. And I'm truly sorry to someone who couldn't see back when it happened, why.
I went through an entire transformation back in what 2020? It was still in the works then. I'm giving myself grace to realize that things change and I can't put myself into a certain box.
Griffin hurts me til I think I'm lesbian
Bastian helped me get over some of the trauma of that and my mother.
Ginger just showed me not everyone is worth keeping in your life.
And Drake, he's showing me every day that you CAN care about someone but still be depressed every day.
Ok if I'm being honest it's more than that but.
I'm hurt energy right now. And some people have weird ass attachment. I'm avoidant and I got to fight myself when I want to have those tough ass convos.
I had to force myself to eat something. But on the plus side I ate. Oh speaking of, I lost 10 or more lbs. Nice. It's not healthy maybe cause I was just barely eating but it'll be alright.
Truck gets fixed this upcoming week. And I have to figure out everything else. Leave out all the rest.
1. Stop acting like the computer is my enemy. Just because I have bad memories involving it. It's a tool.
2. Finish the unfinished. Whether it's books or shows or movies you haven't been able to push yourself to watch.
3. Detach in the way of acts of love. Do acts of love for the ones in my life that care. Little by little realize these are the people who matter.
4. Make your roommate cook more often. He's dumb but he's not kitchen dumb. He just needs to be shown how to cook.
-more on 4, I taught him how to make my chicken stew and cheddar biscuits. He had issues kneading and how the dough was supposed to feel but he got the stew on point. I took over kneading and showed him but he also has ADHD so he might not have wholly been there. I'll have to reach him about puttanesca next. Shits good.
5. Give yourself grace even when you feel like you can't. Realize you're worth more than you allow and you deserve happiness in some form.
5. Get genesight so you can get on the med that will actually work and not make you moreso suicidal.
6. Clean your desk, woman.
Whether or not I'll follow everything I have no idea. Trying to push myself into a new hole is weird mkay. But I'm good. I'm not crying and not moping and I feel like today has the opposite to be a good one if I let it.
And that's it. I don't want to necessarily go back to CBT cause that caused flashbacks and a lot of dissociation but if it means I can let the past live in another dimension that'd be good.
As it was
S
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