I was gloriously numb, sweet sweet non feeling.
And then I opened my pill box to see paper clips, remember?
All at once her smile, and Fred, and the way she’d touch my side secretly.
Our “code names” for love, how her hair smells, the first time I ever rubbed her shaved head.
The longest night together, quiet moments, the way she’d look over watching me dance with the silliest look on her face.
Everything came rushing in like so much flood waters. And sleeping in her shirt, ffs.
Part of me had to assume but I couldn’t remember. I took a shower and asked her before putting it on,
Is this yours too?
Yeah. Of course it fucking is. That’s why you’ve been wearing it til it sticks to you.
Then today. I forgot about the paper clips again. And I cried. Very short and didn’t break fully but I cried.
If I’m being honest with myself I know why I broke down the other night. Remember Bastians
Other person? The one with 30 days no contact?
If he was that important to her then, would this new one be more so?
Can’t ultimatum when you think you’ll lose. Can’t ask what you can’t give. Because while I
Offered, I offered to run away, get married. Anything to have her in my arms and not leave,
I know why she can’t. And she knew why I couldn’t. We could get officiated in a private ceremony sure, but not legally yet. Too much paperwork and stuff and drama.
So if by a temporary thing, maybe we can be friends. It hurts still, like a loose tooth or
A sore on the inside of your lip you can’t stop touching, but maybe it will be ok.
Maybe.
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